Interviews with lead characters are generally a good idea, but once in a while you meet a lead who is, shall we say, less than cooperative when it comes to answering questions. I found this out when I interviewed Roxanne Grail, whose story is detailed in the novel Hard as Roxx. I suppose I should have realized what would happen when she showed up for the interview with a weapon. Oh well, I suppose I should be grateful that she didn’t use it. Anyway, here’s my interview with Roxx.
Welcome Roxx and thank you for coming. Can I get you something to drink?
Is that your first question?
“Uh no. I was being polite.
If you wanna be polite, ask me your stupid questions and let’s get this over with.
Um, okay. Here go the first 10 questions.
First ten??
Yes, as we discussed, there may be a few follow-up questions.
How many is a few?
Er, um, twenty or thirty.
You taking the piss with me, you tosser?
No, I …
At this point, Roxx stood up, weapon in hand, and we mutually agreed I would send her written questions. That worked better, as I am still not deceased. Here, for what they’re worth, are the questions and her answers. Warning: some spoilers are contained in her answers. Roxx doesn’t do “cagey,” apparently. (Sigh)
First 10 Questions
1. What did you eat for breakfast? Did you make it yourself? What time do you eat breakfast? Do you wash the pan after you cook the eggs or do you leave it for the maid to clean? Do you have a maid?
Bacon, coffee, bacon, and then coffee. I let the damned bots clean up. I eat when I’m hungry, or after morning sex. Sometimes during sex. I like to eat.
2. Do you have a cat? How many cats do you have? Do you wish you were a cat? How many litter boxes do you have? Do you clean the litter boxes every day? Or does your maid clean the litter boxes?
Are you fucking kidding?
3. Do you go out for lunch or bring a sack lunch? Do you take an extra long lunch break and charge the company?
What’s your bloody obsession with me diet? Are you calling me fat?
4. Are you an only child? How many siblings do you have? Are you close or are you estranged?
Seriously? Did you even read me book?
[Let the record show that I actually wrote her book, although she disputes that obvious fact.]
5. If you are adopted, do you know your birth parents? Do you want to find them?
I was adopted, sort of. I don’t want to meet my birth father; his brother raised me and he never said much that was nice about the bloke.
6. Do you call your mother every day, or only on her birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas? Are your parents alive?
Shouldn’t you have asked the last question first? They’re dead. Happy now? Because now, I miss me mum. You are an arse.
7. Do you like to cook? Do you use recipes or make up your own recipes? Do you eat out every night?
I like to mix drinks. Does that count?
8. Do you put both socks on first, or one sock, one shoe?
How in the kak do you put on two socks at the same time? You best not be some 4-armed bot asking me these damned questions. On the other hand, if you have some kind of foot fetish … I have very pretty feet. Long, sensuous toes. High arches. You’re hot now, aren’t you?
9. Do you have a dog? Is the dog a rescue dog or bought from a breeder?
No, I don’t have a bloody dog. Me middle child has a pet Pelorovis. I saw him kill and eat a dog once. Does that count?
10. Or perhaps a hamster? Or do you have any pets?
Me wife has pet Neanderthals. I ride woolly mammoths. We’re different than most girls.
15 More Questions
1. Do you pick your nose?
I am going to cut your fucking head off and spit down your neck.
2. Do you bite your fingernails? Do you have any bad habits?
I occasionally cut off people’s heads when they annoy me. Trint and Jazz (my daughter) frown on that.
3. What is your earliest memory?
Private.
4. Do you hold the door open for the person behind you or do you let it go and slam in their face?
Depends on whether I like the person behind me.
5. Do you take chicken soup to your elderly neighbor when they are sick?
My elderly neighbor is 107 years old and she runs six miles per day. She has never been sick in her life. Never.
6. If your boss asked you to cheat on your invoice and bill your client for extra hours, would you do it?
I have never had a boss in my life. Well, Trint is pretty bossy, but I don’t do what she tells me to.
7. On Monday morning, are you excited to go to work, or are you sad?
I don’t do sad. I go to work.
8. If you could go back in time for one day, where would you go?
The day you wrote these questions. I’d strongly discourage you from sending them to me.
9. You can cure one disease. Which one would you cure?
Does the one-child genetic disruption count as a disease?
10. Do you honk at the car in front of you if they didn’t see the light turn green?
I have no idea what this means. We from Africa. We don’t wait for ‘green.’ The hell is wrong with you?
11. Do you exercise or are you a coach potato?
I’ve exercised six hours a day since I was six. You tell me what kind of potato that makes me. Spoiler alert: a hot potato.
12. If a Boy Scout comes to your door selling popcorn, do you hide in the kitchen or buy popcorn?
What. The. Hell?
13. Have you ever served in the military?
No, but I killed a military once.
14. What is your greatest fear?
I’ll let you know if I get one.
15. Let’s say we’re meeting in person. Would you like me to get you a glass of water? Or would you rather have soda? Wine? Whiskey?
Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Okay, yes, but only one.
Let’s Push Our Luck: A Dozen More Questions (Warning : Some Major Spoilers Below)
1. Do you iron your clothes? Who does your laundry? Do you do it yourself or do you send it out?
Jasper (my valet) does my clothes, but yeah, I’m really particular with my clothes.
2. Are you married? Are you divorced? How many times have you been married?
Yes. No. Twice.
3. Do you brush and floss your teeth before you go to bed? Do you use an electric toothbrush and a water pick?
You writing a book about dental hygiene? I do not want to be in that book.
4. Do you have any cavities?
You are writing about dental hygiene. You arsehole!
5. Are those your real teeth, or are they dentures, or are they all capped?
Ask me one more tooth question. I dare you.
6. What do you throw into the garbage? Do you recycle?
Interviewers’ heads.
7. Do you live in an apartment or a house?
I live in a kaking castle. We also have a farmhouse in Antarctica. I don’t care if you don’t believe me.
8. Do you own your own home or rent?
Super, super, super, super rich. Very rich.
9. Do you mow your own lawn or use a landscape service?
My lawn is 16 square miles. You figure it out.
10. Have you ever had a garden?
I grew up in fucking Africa. The whole country was a garden.
11. Have you ever eaten a carrot right out of the ground?
What the hell is a carrot?
12. If you had a dog, would you pick up your dog’s poop when you go for a walk or sneak off and hope no one saw your dog poop on their lawn?
What’s with you and dogs? Do you brush and floss your dog’s teeth? No, I’m not picking up no kaking dog poop. What the hell is wrong with you?? Who does that? You are a psycho!! Plus, and get this straight, I don’t sneak.
Well Roxx, thank you for your time, and for mostly answering our questions. I wouldn’t call it cooperation, but at least it was … interesting.
If you ain’t dead, I was cooperating.
You’re kind of a jerk, you know that?
Yeah, I really like you too, sweetie. Kisses.
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